Tuesday, January 10, 2017

Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse

Last night, my partner of almost 6 years told me it's over. I am still in denial. I read through the stages of grief and I am stuck in #1 Denial.

All the things I thought I was doing so that he didn't feel like he had a child on his hands that he had to take care of, he saw as me becoming independent of him. I bought my own camera without consulting him, I bought tires without bringing him with me, when he offered me cash to help me out of a bind, I declined, finding my own way out. I'm sorry for being able to take care of myself and not be a burden on you.

I have heard a lot from my friends on this subject and some of it I didn't want to hear. I have heard a few tell me that they figured it was only a matter of time that I would either dump him or the other way around. I guess I was the only one that saw forever here.

The answer that is going to elude me for a long time is what did I get out of this relationship? What intangible do I get to take with me? Besides diminished self esteem, increased self doubt and this non stop sobbing that I can't seem to kick. One of the people in my life keeps telling me this will all be a memory at some point. As much as I am certain that is the truth, I can't see that day yet.

This was my first really long relationship, this was my first attempt at shacking up, this was my first a lot of things. I know that not many firsts end up being lasts. That's just in my own experience. Things like first love, first sex, first skydive, first road trip, first car, first vibrator.

I guess I just saw me being able to be enough of an amazing partner that the effort would be there to work on us with me.

yeup, I am starting to get stuck in the Anger phase of the stages of grief. I will try not to lash out too much.

No comments: