Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Just when you thought it was safe to go back to the mall

When was the last time you were in the mall? When was the last time you tried to get to your favorite store through the gauntlet of teenagers? You know, if I was older, I would probably be mad at all these directionless children with nothing better to do than be in my way. I just turned 36. All I think about when I see the throngs of young people in my way* is wow, I really hope I wasn’t that way when I was younger, all the while knowing full well that I was.
More so than when I was a teenager (in the 80’s!), accessories seem to be the order of the day. Big sunglasses, purses covered in bling and charms for your cell phones. (?)
I am thinking real hard, and I guess I do remember those weird little buckle things that we used to pull our oversized tee shirts through at the hip. Then there was the need for multiple color socks and layers of polo shirts with the collars sticking up. Izod, LeTigre, designer jeans, off the shoulder shirts with the lacy bra strap showing. The Madonna look, pegged pants, Reebok high tops, permed hair, the mullet when it was cool, that incarnation of Goth.
I guess I am finally old enough to see my teen years as an embarrassment not only to myself, but even to my parents. Having no children of my own, I know they can never have their revenge. They tell me they are okay with this, but in some deep dark corner of their minds, they know that I am having the last laugh by not having any children. HAHAHA!

*yes, they are still in my way.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Are you tired of all those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound good,
but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that really speaks to true friendship:
1. When you are sad, I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard /bitch who made you sad.
2. When you are blue, I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile, I will know you finally got laid and ask who it was.
4. When you are scared, I will tease you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried, I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and tell you to quit whining.
6. When you are confused, I will use little words so you understand.
7. When you are sick, I'll tell you to stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall, I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
9. When you cry I will call you a big baby and tell you to grow up and deal with it.
10. When you complain I'll tell you you're acting like a nag and tell you to shut up.
11. When you say something stupid I'll hit you over the head and walk the other way like I don't know you.
12. When you start babbling about stupid shit I'll start saying "blah blah blah" and change the subject.
13. When you call out of the blue to say hello I'll ask what is wrong with you and then hang up.
14. If you ask me to help you move I'll only carry the light things and if you complain I'll remind you that I'm not being paid.
15. If we drive anywhere together and you say anything about my driving I'll pull over and opend the side door and push you out.
This is my oath. I pledge it till the end. Why, you may ask; because you are my "friend". Send this to ten of your closest friends, then get depressed because you can only think of nine.
Remember: A good friend will help you move - - a really good friend will help you move a body. Let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel