"Hey, nobody ever said English was logical: just memorize it and get on with your life."
English is not hard to learn because of the spelling, but because of the grammar. I have always had trouble with certain words and phrases. I found a great site that brings many common errors to light, and it turns out that a lot of the rules I had to memorize have all but been let go for the more important Ebonics lessons.
check it out: http://wsu.edu/~brians/errors/errors.html#errors
Shut it, beyotch.
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Monday, November 20, 2006
Snacks, Fat and Curves
I joined Curves for Women, and 3 weeks ago I started Weight Watchers again. As much as I hate the word 'again.' One day I will figure it out and not have to 'again' this cycle ever... almost said it a second time, phew that was close.
Curves is a great place to let go of feeling icky and fat and be able to just be and sweat and at least get your heart pumping again. I like that I can go in, get sweaty in 35 minutes and be done with it. It got me back in the habit of working out too.
I am about 40lbs overweight, according to those horrific tables that they love to show you in the doctors offices, but in my mind I am 30lbs overweight. I am okay with that, I am on the back side of my 30s and I know that I will never be a size 2. Hell, I don't remember ever being a size smaller than a 7/8.
Seriously, even when I was a teenager, junior high even, I was a juniors size 7. I was a speed skater and the clothing manufacturers never figured out how to clothe an athletic body. Ahhh, how I miss that body. I look at pictures from then and even though I still thought I was fat, I was about 125lbs, I was rock hard. The really sad part is that was still on the upper end of my weight bracket for my age/height. WHATEVER!
When I was competing at a national level in my sport and my doctor still wants to tell me to lose 10 lbs. Ummm, bite me. If I was any less head strong than I am, I would have had a nice little eating disorder brewing. I have never been able to learn from hearing, I have to learn from mistakes and doing.
I am learning that one now. I learned that if you are working out all the time, the quality of the food you put in your body is pretty dang important, but the occasional fast food and ice cream is acceptable. But: the minute you stop working out with that kind of regularity, the amounts of food, and the fast food and ice cream have to get adjusted. My downfall was fast food.
Curves is my mistress
I seek solace in your walls
Thank you for the sweat.
Curves is a great place to let go of feeling icky and fat and be able to just be and sweat and at least get your heart pumping again. I like that I can go in, get sweaty in 35 minutes and be done with it. It got me back in the habit of working out too.
I am about 40lbs overweight, according to those horrific tables that they love to show you in the doctors offices, but in my mind I am 30lbs overweight. I am okay with that, I am on the back side of my 30s and I know that I will never be a size 2. Hell, I don't remember ever being a size smaller than a 7/8.
Seriously, even when I was a teenager, junior high even, I was a juniors size 7. I was a speed skater and the clothing manufacturers never figured out how to clothe an athletic body. Ahhh, how I miss that body. I look at pictures from then and even though I still thought I was fat, I was about 125lbs, I was rock hard. The really sad part is that was still on the upper end of my weight bracket for my age/height. WHATEVER!
When I was competing at a national level in my sport and my doctor still wants to tell me to lose 10 lbs. Ummm, bite me. If I was any less head strong than I am, I would have had a nice little eating disorder brewing. I have never been able to learn from hearing, I have to learn from mistakes and doing.
I am learning that one now. I learned that if you are working out all the time, the quality of the food you put in your body is pretty dang important, but the occasional fast food and ice cream is acceptable. But: the minute you stop working out with that kind of regularity, the amounts of food, and the fast food and ice cream have to get adjusted. My downfall was fast food.
Curves is my mistress
I seek solace in your walls
Thank you for the sweat.
Monday, October 02, 2006
Tell me a story...
When I was dating a lot, I would fill in lulls in the conversation with that statement. The conversation would go something like this:
SP: Tell me a story.
Date: What kind of story?
SP: Tell me about that scar. (because almost every guy has a scar that has a great story behind it)
I would ask for this story to check two things; If they were a good story teller who could bring me along on the bike/skateboard/skis that caused the scar, and to see if they have been adventurous in their lives and have the scars to prove it. I have a few great stories for a couple fun scars to tell if I get the same request.
I have met some great story tellers who involve their whole bodies and hands and really make the whole story something that is funny and fun to listen to. I have a friend who is so good at the hand gestures when he is telling a story, I have used them in my own. Where some people will point their finger to their head like a gun, a good story teller will add the sound effects or even jerk their head back to make the whole thing more real. A great story teller will then add the hand at the other side of their head indicating the splatter that would happen. I love story tellers like that.
SP: Tell me a story.
Date: What kind of story?
SP: Tell me about that scar. (because almost every guy has a scar that has a great story behind it)
I would ask for this story to check two things; If they were a good story teller who could bring me along on the bike/skateboard/skis that caused the scar, and to see if they have been adventurous in their lives and have the scars to prove it. I have a few great stories for a couple fun scars to tell if I get the same request.
I have met some great story tellers who involve their whole bodies and hands and really make the whole story something that is funny and fun to listen to. I have a friend who is so good at the hand gestures when he is telling a story, I have used them in my own. Where some people will point their finger to their head like a gun, a good story teller will add the sound effects or even jerk their head back to make the whole thing more real. A great story teller will then add the hand at the other side of their head indicating the splatter that would happen. I love story tellers like that.
Thursday, June 22, 2006
Necessary evils in our lives...
Among the necessary evils in my life, I count the Bed Bath and Beyond/Linen's & Things phenom. Of course you know they are the same store, right? Same size, layout, lighting and coupons.
Normally I like to try and find interesting items at thrift stores, or mom and pops. Sometimes though, I am compelled by something. Like having to make 3 different kinds of pasta on the same night so I need a simple solution like the Pasta Express! With 5 dollar off 15 or more coupon in hand, I am off to brave the smiling faces and over eager sales staff of my local BB&B. I am really nervous about that “Beyond” part, but I digress.
Anyway, I walk in and find the holy grail of all pasta cookers, but it’s only 9.99! So there I am, 15 minutes before closing, trying to find some other gadget I have been coveting to get me over the 15 dollar hump so I can save 5 dollars.*
I am looking around at the kitchen utensil monolith and spy a small porcelain item called a ginger grater. It is a small flat device with pointy bumps on one side that you are to rub ginger (or garlic!) on to grate it up nice and fine to maximize flavor distribution in your dish. I had seen one that was made of polycarbonate called the Garlic Card on a show called “I want that!” How did they know that I actually do want that? It was 5.99, but in my mind it was only going to be a dollar! YAYAYAYAY.
I get to the cash register and since it is so close to closing, rather than worrying about checking me out, they are frantically shutting down all empty registers and pulling money drawers. I had no less than 3 cashiers look at me waiting behind the elderly woman who was trying to decide if she wanted to get gift wrapping. Finally someone said they could help me “over here.” Except, Oh, no drawer. How about here? Nope, No drawer there either. Finally at counter #3 it was open, with a drawer and he could log on. Since it was payday**, I knew that I had plenty of cash in my account, not to mention having just seen my account balance online before shopping. I run my debit card, enter pin and get told it didn’t take. No big deal, old card, magnetic strip not what it used to be. I run it again and get the same announcement.
Now we are 7 minutes to close, and there are 2 people waiting behind me.
So, I pull out my Visa CheckCard and hand it to him and he runs it through his secret squirrel slot on his register. Now, he is calling a second cashier over. Second cashier announces that PIN is blocked. Well, it’s a credit card. I don’t need a PIN. I just need you to check my ID and let me take my stuff that is seeming less and less worth the trouble every second. 5 minutes to closing, 3 people behind me in line, credit card, debit card, check card on the counter. Pick one.
I have been watching the key strokes of Cashier 1, and now cashier 2 tries something completely different with my CheckCard and it actually went through. Weird.
Well now their portion of the transaction is handled, and I still have to reassemble everything back into my wallet. I am getting the immediate request to sign my credit card slip, there are 3 cashiers just standing there watching all this go down while the now 4 people behind me in line with 4 minutes to closing are all waiting for the same hilarity I just went through. You know what, if they had left two registers open until after the doors were locked, this may have been a non issue. I am getting crowded by the guy behind me getting his critical garlic peeler, and the one behind him with her emergency cutting board.
In case you don’t know me at all, I am an intermittent Taurus. My stubborn streak comes out at the exact worst times, every time. I take my time reassembling, I take a nice long look at my receipt to make sure what would have been a 17.41 cent transaction is now only 11.96 since I had my coupon. I collect my bags and actually have to get let out because the doors are already locked.
Poor slobs behind me.
*Some of you uber smart internet people are probably thinking that if I didn’t buy anything else, I would be saving 5 dollars.
Shut up.
**And of course payday is the best day to shop for gadgets that you don’t really need.
Normally I like to try and find interesting items at thrift stores, or mom and pops. Sometimes though, I am compelled by something. Like having to make 3 different kinds of pasta on the same night so I need a simple solution like the Pasta Express! With 5 dollar off 15 or more coupon in hand, I am off to brave the smiling faces and over eager sales staff of my local BB&B. I am really nervous about that “Beyond” part, but I digress.
Anyway, I walk in and find the holy grail of all pasta cookers, but it’s only 9.99! So there I am, 15 minutes before closing, trying to find some other gadget I have been coveting to get me over the 15 dollar hump so I can save 5 dollars.*
I am looking around at the kitchen utensil monolith and spy a small porcelain item called a ginger grater. It is a small flat device with pointy bumps on one side that you are to rub ginger (or garlic!) on to grate it up nice and fine to maximize flavor distribution in your dish. I had seen one that was made of polycarbonate called the Garlic Card on a show called “I want that!” How did they know that I actually do want that? It was 5.99, but in my mind it was only going to be a dollar! YAYAYAYAY.
I get to the cash register and since it is so close to closing, rather than worrying about checking me out, they are frantically shutting down all empty registers and pulling money drawers. I had no less than 3 cashiers look at me waiting behind the elderly woman who was trying to decide if she wanted to get gift wrapping. Finally someone said they could help me “over here.” Except, Oh, no drawer. How about here? Nope, No drawer there either. Finally at counter #3 it was open, with a drawer and he could log on. Since it was payday**, I knew that I had plenty of cash in my account, not to mention having just seen my account balance online before shopping. I run my debit card, enter pin and get told it didn’t take. No big deal, old card, magnetic strip not what it used to be. I run it again and get the same announcement.
Now we are 7 minutes to close, and there are 2 people waiting behind me.
So, I pull out my Visa CheckCard and hand it to him and he runs it through his secret squirrel slot on his register. Now, he is calling a second cashier over. Second cashier announces that PIN is blocked. Well, it’s a credit card. I don’t need a PIN. I just need you to check my ID and let me take my stuff that is seeming less and less worth the trouble every second. 5 minutes to closing, 3 people behind me in line, credit card, debit card, check card on the counter. Pick one.
I have been watching the key strokes of Cashier 1, and now cashier 2 tries something completely different with my CheckCard and it actually went through. Weird.
Well now their portion of the transaction is handled, and I still have to reassemble everything back into my wallet. I am getting the immediate request to sign my credit card slip, there are 3 cashiers just standing there watching all this go down while the now 4 people behind me in line with 4 minutes to closing are all waiting for the same hilarity I just went through. You know what, if they had left two registers open until after the doors were locked, this may have been a non issue. I am getting crowded by the guy behind me getting his critical garlic peeler, and the one behind him with her emergency cutting board.
In case you don’t know me at all, I am an intermittent Taurus. My stubborn streak comes out at the exact worst times, every time. I take my time reassembling, I take a nice long look at my receipt to make sure what would have been a 17.41 cent transaction is now only 11.96 since I had my coupon. I collect my bags and actually have to get let out because the doors are already locked.
Poor slobs behind me.
*Some of you uber smart internet people are probably thinking that if I didn’t buy anything else, I would be saving 5 dollars.
Shut up.
**And of course payday is the best day to shop for gadgets that you don’t really need.
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
More humor from the internet
Linky & Dinky's (as reprinted from the secret clubhouse)
Top 248 Ways to
Annoy People!
1. Specify that your drive-thru order is "to go."
2. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
3. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub."
4. Name your dog "Dog."
5. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
6. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what you think."
7. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."
8. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
9. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
10. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
11. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
12. Tell 1-800 operators they sound gay and ask for a date.
13. Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.
14. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
15. Order a side of pork rinds with your fillet mignon.
16. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
17. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climatic parts of rental movies.
18. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
19. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
20. Repeat everything someone says as a question.
21. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's road maps.
22. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination, UFO, and OJ Simpson conspiracy theories.
23. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?", "What?", "Never mind, it's gone now."
24. Light road flares on a birthday cake.
25. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
26. At the Laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
27. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling as they read.
28. Ask people what gender they are.
29. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
30. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
31. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
32. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
33. Change your name to "John Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."
34. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
35. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
36. Wear a lot of cologne.
37. Listen to 33RPM records at 45RPM speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."
38. Sing along at the opera.
39. Mow your lawn with scissors.
40. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhwing-batter!"
41. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
42. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
43. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
44. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
45. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
46. Make appointments for the 31st of September.
47. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
48. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
49. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
50. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
51. Practice making fax and modem noises.
52. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc." them to your boss.
53. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophecy."
54. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
55. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
56. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
57. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
58. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
59. Honk and wave to strangers.
60. TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.
61. type only in lowercase.
62. dont use any punctuation either
63. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
64. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
65. Sing the theme to the Batman television show as loudly as you can, over and over and over..
66. Tell people their accent isn't fooling anyone.
67. Drum on every available surface.
68. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
69. Set alarms for random times.
70. Learn Morse code and have conversations with friends in public consisting of "Beeeep bip bip beeeep bip.."
71. Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.
72. Leave your Nine Inch Nails tape in Great Uncle Ed's stereo, with the volume properly adjusted.
73. Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.
74. Wear your pants backwards.
75. Begin all your sentences with "Ohh la la!"
76. Rouse your roommates from slumber each morning with Lou Reed's "Metal Machine Music."
77. Leave someone's printer in compressed-italic-landscape mode.
78. Pay for your dinner with pennies.
79. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
80. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
81. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
82. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."
83. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
84. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
85. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."
86. Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.
87. Sing the "This is the song that never ends" song from Lampchop's Play-Along.
88. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
131. Pretend you have gone completely deaf.
132. .sdrawkcab etirW
133. Walk into people's houses, go straight to the fridge without saying hello, and help yourself to their food.
134. Speak so quietly that people always have to get you to repeat it.
135. Loudly recite people's most embarrassing secrets in restaurants.
136. Play the electric guitar very loudly and badly, then when the neighbors ask you to turn it down, play even louder. When they come round to complain again, say, "Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you asked me to turn it up!
137. Try to fit the word "cornucopia" into every sentence you say.
138. Drive on the wrong side of the road.
139. Secretly learn to play the piano, then go to a friend's house who has a piano. Claim you've never played before then play Jesu Joy of Man's Desiring perfectly the first time. Then say, "I guess I must kinda be a natural."
140. Go canoeing and sing the Hawaii Five-0 theme.
141. Claim that until recently, you thought Michael Jackson was a woman.
142. Wear your cap backwards and say "Yo, wazzup?" a lot.
143. Go to a Metallica concert wearing a Michael Bolton T-Shirt.
144. Tell everyone you are Bill Clinton's cousin.
145. Take photos of people walking down the street and then run away.
146. Dedicate your life to politics, become president of the United States, then raise all taxes to 90%.
147. Down a can of Coke in one drink and then burp loudly.
148. Insist that it was Bobby who shot J.R.
149. Bark like a dog whenever anyone says the word "the."
150. Wire up people's cars so the horn comes on as soon as their car is started.
151. Ride a unicycle to work.
152. E-mail Microsoft to tell them about bugs in Windows XP that aren't actually there.
153. Stare at people for about five minutes, making sure they know you're staring at them. Then, slowly sneak up to them while humming the Mission: Impossible theme. Sniff their head, then run away. Repeat.
154. Continuously mumble during a conversation.
155. Take off the eraser to every pencil in your house, or better yet, someone else's house.
156. When in a chat room, spell everything incorrectly.
157. Insist on "Weird Al" sing-a-longs.
158. On a hot summer day, ride up and down the road and drench pedestrians with squirt guns.
159. When walking down a main road, act like a drunk.
160. Wear nothing but white and go mud wrestling.
161. Walk up to someone eating. Lean over and stare at them intently until they notice. Continue to do so until they ask what you're doing. Reply, "I've been watching you eat for the last 30 seconds.. You're weird!" Leave the restaurant.
162. When walking, talk to yourself constantly.
163. Move people's bookmarks ahead three pages when they aren't looking.
164. Call the operator. When asked, "Can I help you?" reply, "No thanks, just browsing."
165. Go to a gumball machine insert coins until you have a matching pair of fake eyeballs. After attaining these, record the theme song of The Twilight Zone over and over again. Drive down the street wearing the eyeballs and playing The Twilight Zone theme very loud. When you get pulled over, leap into the passenger's seat and claim, "He was here a minute ago, officer!"
166. On a night other than Halloween, get a few friends together and dress like Jason from Friday the 13th. Have each of you stand a mile apart on a highway.
167. After visiting the local donut shop, sit on the floor cross-legged and insist in a childish voice that you haven't received enough chocolate sprinkles.
168. Push a raisin into someone's cream-filled donut. (I don't get this one.)
169. Spread fertilizer on half your neighbor's lawn.
170. Add A535 (liquid heat) to that little hole down the center of someone's anti-perspirant.
173. Add blank entries to lists, to make it look like it's longer.
174. Call every pager number you know and leave the number for your local McDonald's.
175. Wash and scrub the trees in your front lawn.
176. Throw newspapers back at paperboys.
177. Tell people their fly is down when they're wearing sweat pants.
178. Stand on a busy corner. Gasp, look and point up. See how many people look.
179. At random times in a conversation, say "Hi," "Hello Sir, how are you?" or "Have a good day, thank you."
180. Put electrical tape over the headlights of someone's car.
181. Walk up to random strangers insisting you are family.
182. Dress like a "High-class rich person" and wash windows at random street corners. Demand a dollar in a British accent.
183. When a cop pulls you over, when they step up to your car, drive forward slowly and make them walk. Especially if it's raining.
184. In an office, lock all the doors behind you.
185. Face the back when standing in an elevator.
186. Grin so wide it hurts your cheeks at every salesperson in town.
187. When at an ATM, try to have a conversation with it, or pretend it stole your card. (This works best if there's a line.)
188. Unbend all the paperclips you can find, then replace every eraser you can find with a rubber band.
89. Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk into it.
90. Drive half a block.
91. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
92. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a southern drawl.
93. "Forget" the punch line to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."
94. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes."
95. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as "Feliz Navidad," the Archies' "Sugar," or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
96. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
97. Ask to "interface" with someone.
98. Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't cricket."
99. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."
100. Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.
101. Never make eye contact.
102. Never break eye contact.
103. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, pronouncing the results.
104. Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.
105. Occasionally bark in a high-pitched voice.
106. Say "okay, you're gay" to anything someone says.
107. As people talk, smell their shoulders.
108. When in a conversation, look out the window, then say "Wait, start over. I wasn't paying attention."
109. Say to people, "Did you wear deodorant today?"
110. Place your shoes on the table.
111. When talking to someone, look at a spot about two inches to their right.
112. When standing near a "high-class person," ask them, "Excuse me, but do I have a booger hanging on my nose? I thought I picked it off."
113. Switch your neighbor's lawn furniture with someone else's.
114. Call into work and tell them you have something better to do today.
115. Buy goldfish and ask the clerk if they come with chips.
116. Sample every flavor of ice cream and tell the clerk what you don't like about each one.
117. Pick your ear wax and ask if you could use their sleeve to wipe it off.
118. Insist completely ridiculous things are true - like Bush is still President.
119. Speak in a strong Welsh accent.
120. Wear odd shoes.
121. Learn "Ice Ice Baby" by heart and recite it endlessly.
122. Disagree strongly with everything anybody says.
123. Throw stones at people walking past your house.
124. Keep changing the TV channel every two seconds.
125. Insist that Celine Dion is better than the Beatles.
126. Whenever anyone says something, laugh loudly as if they have just told and extremely funny joke.
127. Phone McDonald's and try to make a reservation for that evening.
128. Spend an entire weekend pretending you are R2-D2.
129. Phone random numbers and tell them you are holding their daughter hostage.
130. Recite the first 4,000 decimal places of Pi. Then ask if people want to hear it in binary, too.
189. Ask people to prove everything they say. (e.g. "I'm Bob, nice to meet you..." "PROVE IT!")
190. Sharpen All your pencils to the same size EXACTLY.
191. Answer every question with another question. As soon as one of you says a statement instead of a question, shout "I win!".
192. Pose as a client at a bank or other professional institution, and when you are seated in front of their desk, keep rearranging the items on top into different patterns and tell them you are "just reorganizing things."
193. Instead of singing 99 bottles of beer on the wall, sing 999,999,999 bottles of beer on the wall!
194. Call every girl you know "dude".
195. Recite every song from the Playstation games PaRappa the Rapper and Um Jammer Lammy.
196. Bring a portable CD player to a concert and listen the CD because you insist that it is "Just better quality"
197. Press the "power" button on on someone's computer or keyboard when they're almost finished typing up a long essay, story etc. Apologize sincerely, claiming that you thought it was the focus adjustment.
198. Call 911 and breathe heavily.
199. Take a shower. Feel guilty. Give it back.
200. Mow your carpet. (Or preferably somebody else's)
201. Vacuum your lawn. (See note on 200)
202. Recite shakespearian poetry to everyone you meet.
203. Go to McDonalds and ask for a BK Whopper.
204. Order a pizza and ask them if they can "please put the crust on top this time" in an exasperated voice.
205. Every time someone asks you to do something or says something to you ask "Is that a threat?"
206. When in an elevator, in different voices, shout out random floors, and then watch as you get there, no one gets off.
207. Also, when riding up an elevator with a stranger, start singing a song that everyone knows, then expect them to start singing too. If they do not start singing, insist, "Everyone knows that song. Are you stupid?"
208. While walking make car noises loudly (Such as changing gears).
209. Whenever somebody says something, ask what the simplest word they said means. When they explain, ask what the simplest word in their explanation means. Repeat this for the entire conversation.
210. Go up to a someone and say, "Are you annoyed by irrelevant questions?" And then walk away very quickly.
211. Finish each sentence with "Monkey See, Monkey Do".
212. Click your mechanical pencils or your pens during a test in school.
213. Pretend you are invisible.
214. Convince people you are deaf and talk in an incredibly phony sign language.
215. Spend all day at a fast food restaurant and see how long it takes before you have to pay for your "free" refills.
216. Continuously open your briefcase or bag and say into it, "Have you got enough air in there?"
217. While going down in an elevator scream, "AAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!! WE'RE GONNA DIE!!!" for no apparent reason.
218. Call everyone a communist.
219. Explain "the little green men" in detail to someone, and when they don't believe you, accuse them of being one in disguise.
220.. Call your neighbors collect.
221. Whenever someone finishes a sentence say, "And then what happened?"
222. Page yourself over an intercom, but don't disguise your voice.
223. Send people annoying chain forwards with outrageous consequences like "If you don't send this to 300 people in 4 seconds you will die instantly" and then insist that it is true and it happened to your uncle.
224. When walking push an invisible cart and make loud squeaky noises.
225. Walk up to random people and ask them, very seriously, "Do you know the muffin man?"
226. Clear your throat every three or four words while speaking.
227. Look at your hand in amazement and say, "Whoa, I never knew I had this!"
228. While driving if you see a "How am I driving" bumper sticker, call the number and inform the operator that the driver is doing a great job.
229. When driving with companions in the car, every few seconds slam on the brakes and insist that a squirrel ran in front of you.
230. When driving with companions in the car, every few seconds slam on the brakes and insist that a squirrel ran in front of you.
231. Whenever anybody says anything to you. Respond by saying, "I know."
232. Sending this list to all of your friends through email. :-)
233. Continue to ask someone, "Is this annoying? Is this annoying?" over and over and over.
234. Tap someone on the shoulder repeatedly.
235. Begin every sentence with, "By the Gods!"
236. When you're in an argument, no matter what it's about, keep yelling "I don't see your name on it!".
237. When in public, pretend you are selling something in an infomercial.
238. At a restaurant, repeatedly send your food back for changes and after awhile insist that, "This isn't what I ordered!"
239. Go to a shoe store and try on every shoe, then say that you aren't interested in buying shoes and leave.
240. Put powdered sugar in your hair, sit down next to a stranger, and scratch your head a lot.
241. Turn on the Talk Radio Stations in your car, roll down your windows, and headbang.
242. Walk around with a plastic sword and shield and tell strangers "I must avenge the death of my father."
243. Scotch tape your door as an Anti-theft Device.
244. Super Glue quarters to floors.
245. Put the wrong date and year on the papers you hand in to your teachers.
246. Call random numbers and say "Hi, this is Julie from Basken Robins. If you can name 31 flavors in 31 seconds you get a free scoop."
247. WRIGHT N AL CAPITOL LETERS AND MISSSSSPEL EVRYTHIND!!!
248. Get two cell phones and talk to yourself on them in front of other people
Top 248 Ways to
Annoy People!
1. Specify that your drive-thru order is "to go."
2. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
3. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub."
4. Name your dog "Dog."
5. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
6. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what you think."
7. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."
8. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
9. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
10. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
11. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
12. Tell 1-800 operators they sound gay and ask for a date.
13. Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.
14. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
15. Order a side of pork rinds with your fillet mignon.
16. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
17. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climatic parts of rental movies.
18. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
19. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
20. Repeat everything someone says as a question.
21. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's road maps.
22. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination, UFO, and OJ Simpson conspiracy theories.
23. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?", "What?", "Never mind, it's gone now."
24. Light road flares on a birthday cake.
25. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
26. At the Laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
27. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling as they read.
28. Ask people what gender they are.
29. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
30. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
31. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
32. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
33. Change your name to "John Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."
34. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
35. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
36. Wear a lot of cologne.
37. Listen to 33RPM records at 45RPM speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."
38. Sing along at the opera.
39. Mow your lawn with scissors.
40. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhwing-batter!"
41. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
42. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
43. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
44. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
45. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
46. Make appointments for the 31st of September.
47. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
48. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
49. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
50. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
51. Practice making fax and modem noises.
52. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc." them to your boss.
53. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophecy."
54. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
55. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
56. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
57. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
58. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
59. Honk and wave to strangers.
60. TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.
61. type only in lowercase.
62. dont use any punctuation either
63. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
64. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
65. Sing the theme to the Batman television show as loudly as you can, over and over and over..
66. Tell people their accent isn't fooling anyone.
67. Drum on every available surface.
68. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
69. Set alarms for random times.
70. Learn Morse code and have conversations with friends in public consisting of "Beeeep bip bip beeeep bip.."
71. Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.
72. Leave your Nine Inch Nails tape in Great Uncle Ed's stereo, with the volume properly adjusted.
73. Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.
74. Wear your pants backwards.
75. Begin all your sentences with "Ohh la la!"
76. Rouse your roommates from slumber each morning with Lou Reed's "Metal Machine Music."
77. Leave someone's printer in compressed-italic-landscape mode.
78. Pay for your dinner with pennies.
79. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
80. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
81. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
82. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."
83. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
84. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
85. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."
86. Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.
87. Sing the "This is the song that never ends" song from Lampchop's Play-Along.
88. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
131. Pretend you have gone completely deaf.
132. .sdrawkcab etirW
133. Walk into people's houses, go straight to the fridge without saying hello, and help yourself to their food.
134. Speak so quietly that people always have to get you to repeat it.
135. Loudly recite people's most embarrassing secrets in restaurants.
136. Play the electric guitar very loudly and badly, then when the neighbors ask you to turn it down, play even louder. When they come round to complain again, say, "Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you asked me to turn it up!
137. Try to fit the word "cornucopia" into every sentence you say.
138. Drive on the wrong side of the road.
139. Secretly learn to play the piano, then go to a friend's house who has a piano. Claim you've never played before then play Jesu Joy of Man's Desiring perfectly the first time. Then say, "I guess I must kinda be a natural."
140. Go canoeing and sing the Hawaii Five-0 theme.
141. Claim that until recently, you thought Michael Jackson was a woman.
142. Wear your cap backwards and say "Yo, wazzup?" a lot.
143. Go to a Metallica concert wearing a Michael Bolton T-Shirt.
144. Tell everyone you are Bill Clinton's cousin.
145. Take photos of people walking down the street and then run away.
146. Dedicate your life to politics, become president of the United States, then raise all taxes to 90%.
147. Down a can of Coke in one drink and then burp loudly.
148. Insist that it was Bobby who shot J.R.
149. Bark like a dog whenever anyone says the word "the."
150. Wire up people's cars so the horn comes on as soon as their car is started.
151. Ride a unicycle to work.
152. E-mail Microsoft to tell them about bugs in Windows XP that aren't actually there.
153. Stare at people for about five minutes, making sure they know you're staring at them. Then, slowly sneak up to them while humming the Mission: Impossible theme. Sniff their head, then run away. Repeat.
154. Continuously mumble during a conversation.
155. Take off the eraser to every pencil in your house, or better yet, someone else's house.
156. When in a chat room, spell everything incorrectly.
157. Insist on "Weird Al" sing-a-longs.
158. On a hot summer day, ride up and down the road and drench pedestrians with squirt guns.
159. When walking down a main road, act like a drunk.
160. Wear nothing but white and go mud wrestling.
161. Walk up to someone eating. Lean over and stare at them intently until they notice. Continue to do so until they ask what you're doing. Reply, "I've been watching you eat for the last 30 seconds.. You're weird!" Leave the restaurant.
162. When walking, talk to yourself constantly.
163. Move people's bookmarks ahead three pages when they aren't looking.
164. Call the operator. When asked, "Can I help you?" reply, "No thanks, just browsing."
165. Go to a gumball machine insert coins until you have a matching pair of fake eyeballs. After attaining these, record the theme song of The Twilight Zone over and over again. Drive down the street wearing the eyeballs and playing The Twilight Zone theme very loud. When you get pulled over, leap into the passenger's seat and claim, "He was here a minute ago, officer!"
166. On a night other than Halloween, get a few friends together and dress like Jason from Friday the 13th. Have each of you stand a mile apart on a highway.
167. After visiting the local donut shop, sit on the floor cross-legged and insist in a childish voice that you haven't received enough chocolate sprinkles.
168. Push a raisin into someone's cream-filled donut. (I don't get this one.)
169. Spread fertilizer on half your neighbor's lawn.
170. Add A535 (liquid heat) to that little hole down the center of someone's anti-perspirant.
173. Add blank entries to lists, to make it look like it's longer.
174. Call every pager number you know and leave the number for your local McDonald's.
175. Wash and scrub the trees in your front lawn.
176. Throw newspapers back at paperboys.
177. Tell people their fly is down when they're wearing sweat pants.
178. Stand on a busy corner. Gasp, look and point up. See how many people look.
179. At random times in a conversation, say "Hi," "Hello Sir, how are you?" or "Have a good day, thank you."
180. Put electrical tape over the headlights of someone's car.
181. Walk up to random strangers insisting you are family.
182. Dress like a "High-class rich person" and wash windows at random street corners. Demand a dollar in a British accent.
183. When a cop pulls you over, when they step up to your car, drive forward slowly and make them walk. Especially if it's raining.
184. In an office, lock all the doors behind you.
185. Face the back when standing in an elevator.
186. Grin so wide it hurts your cheeks at every salesperson in town.
187. When at an ATM, try to have a conversation with it, or pretend it stole your card. (This works best if there's a line.)
188. Unbend all the paperclips you can find, then replace every eraser you can find with a rubber band.
89. Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk into it.
90. Drive half a block.
91. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
92. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a southern drawl.
93. "Forget" the punch line to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."
94. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes."
95. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as "Feliz Navidad," the Archies' "Sugar," or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
96. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
97. Ask to "interface" with someone.
98. Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't cricket."
99. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."
100. Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.
101. Never make eye contact.
102. Never break eye contact.
103. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, pronouncing the results.
104. Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.
105. Occasionally bark in a high-pitched voice.
106. Say "okay, you're gay" to anything someone says.
107. As people talk, smell their shoulders.
108. When in a conversation, look out the window, then say "Wait, start over. I wasn't paying attention."
109. Say to people, "Did you wear deodorant today?"
110. Place your shoes on the table.
111. When talking to someone, look at a spot about two inches to their right.
112. When standing near a "high-class person," ask them, "Excuse me, but do I have a booger hanging on my nose? I thought I picked it off."
113. Switch your neighbor's lawn furniture with someone else's.
114. Call into work and tell them you have something better to do today.
115. Buy goldfish and ask the clerk if they come with chips.
116. Sample every flavor of ice cream and tell the clerk what you don't like about each one.
117. Pick your ear wax and ask if you could use their sleeve to wipe it off.
118. Insist completely ridiculous things are true - like Bush is still President.
119. Speak in a strong Welsh accent.
120. Wear odd shoes.
121. Learn "Ice Ice Baby" by heart and recite it endlessly.
122. Disagree strongly with everything anybody says.
123. Throw stones at people walking past your house.
124. Keep changing the TV channel every two seconds.
125. Insist that Celine Dion is better than the Beatles.
126. Whenever anyone says something, laugh loudly as if they have just told and extremely funny joke.
127. Phone McDonald's and try to make a reservation for that evening.
128. Spend an entire weekend pretending you are R2-D2.
129. Phone random numbers and tell them you are holding their daughter hostage.
130. Recite the first 4,000 decimal places of Pi. Then ask if people want to hear it in binary, too.
189. Ask people to prove everything they say. (e.g. "I'm Bob, nice to meet you..." "PROVE IT!")
190. Sharpen All your pencils to the same size EXACTLY.
191. Answer every question with another question. As soon as one of you says a statement instead of a question, shout "I win!".
192. Pose as a client at a bank or other professional institution, and when you are seated in front of their desk, keep rearranging the items on top into different patterns and tell them you are "just reorganizing things."
193. Instead of singing 99 bottles of beer on the wall, sing 999,999,999 bottles of beer on the wall!
194. Call every girl you know "dude".
195. Recite every song from the Playstation games PaRappa the Rapper and Um Jammer Lammy.
196. Bring a portable CD player to a concert and listen the CD because you insist that it is "Just better quality"
197. Press the "power" button on on someone's computer or keyboard when they're almost finished typing up a long essay, story etc. Apologize sincerely, claiming that you thought it was the focus adjustment.
198. Call 911 and breathe heavily.
199. Take a shower. Feel guilty. Give it back.
200. Mow your carpet. (Or preferably somebody else's)
201. Vacuum your lawn. (See note on 200)
202. Recite shakespearian poetry to everyone you meet.
203. Go to McDonalds and ask for a BK Whopper.
204. Order a pizza and ask them if they can "please put the crust on top this time" in an exasperated voice.
205. Every time someone asks you to do something or says something to you ask "Is that a threat?"
206. When in an elevator, in different voices, shout out random floors, and then watch as you get there, no one gets off.
207. Also, when riding up an elevator with a stranger, start singing a song that everyone knows, then expect them to start singing too. If they do not start singing, insist, "Everyone knows that song. Are you stupid?"
208. While walking make car noises loudly (Such as changing gears).
209. Whenever somebody says something, ask what the simplest word they said means. When they explain, ask what the simplest word in their explanation means. Repeat this for the entire conversation.
210. Go up to a someone and say, "Are you annoyed by irrelevant questions?" And then walk away very quickly.
211. Finish each sentence with "Monkey See, Monkey Do".
212. Click your mechanical pencils or your pens during a test in school.
213. Pretend you are invisible.
214. Convince people you are deaf and talk in an incredibly phony sign language.
215. Spend all day at a fast food restaurant and see how long it takes before you have to pay for your "free" refills.
216. Continuously open your briefcase or bag and say into it, "Have you got enough air in there?"
217. While going down in an elevator scream, "AAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!! WE'RE GONNA DIE!!!" for no apparent reason.
218. Call everyone a communist.
219. Explain "the little green men" in detail to someone, and when they don't believe you, accuse them of being one in disguise.
220.. Call your neighbors collect.
221. Whenever someone finishes a sentence say, "And then what happened?"
222. Page yourself over an intercom, but don't disguise your voice.
223. Send people annoying chain forwards with outrageous consequences like "If you don't send this to 300 people in 4 seconds you will die instantly" and then insist that it is true and it happened to your uncle.
224. When walking push an invisible cart and make loud squeaky noises.
225. Walk up to random people and ask them, very seriously, "Do you know the muffin man?"
226. Clear your throat every three or four words while speaking.
227. Look at your hand in amazement and say, "Whoa, I never knew I had this!"
228. While driving if you see a "How am I driving" bumper sticker, call the number and inform the operator that the driver is doing a great job.
229. When driving with companions in the car, every few seconds slam on the brakes and insist that a squirrel ran in front of you.
230. When driving with companions in the car, every few seconds slam on the brakes and insist that a squirrel ran in front of you.
231. Whenever anybody says anything to you. Respond by saying, "I know."
232. Sending this list to all of your friends through email. :-)
233. Continue to ask someone, "Is this annoying? Is this annoying?" over and over and over.
234. Tap someone on the shoulder repeatedly.
235. Begin every sentence with, "By the Gods!"
236. When you're in an argument, no matter what it's about, keep yelling "I don't see your name on it!".
237. When in public, pretend you are selling something in an infomercial.
238. At a restaurant, repeatedly send your food back for changes and after awhile insist that, "This isn't what I ordered!"
239. Go to a shoe store and try on every shoe, then say that you aren't interested in buying shoes and leave.
240. Put powdered sugar in your hair, sit down next to a stranger, and scratch your head a lot.
241. Turn on the Talk Radio Stations in your car, roll down your windows, and headbang.
242. Walk around with a plastic sword and shield and tell strangers "I must avenge the death of my father."
243. Scotch tape your door as an Anti-theft Device.
244. Super Glue quarters to floors.
245. Put the wrong date and year on the papers you hand in to your teachers.
246. Call random numbers and say "Hi, this is Julie from Basken Robins. If you can name 31 flavors in 31 seconds you get a free scoop."
247. WRIGHT N AL CAPITOL LETERS AND MISSSSSPEL EVRYTHIND!!!
248. Get two cell phones and talk to yourself on them in front of other people
Thursday, June 15, 2006
I LOVE MY CATS!
So, when HHBL and I first started talking about buying a house, I told him that I had to have at least two kitties, if not 3. He did not grow up with furry animals as pets. He had a parakeet at one point, always wanted an African Grey.
So, in talking with our friends about this, we found out that one of them was looking to rehome their year old white cat named Kimba. I knew Kimba and loved this very cool cat and agreed immediately to adopt. So, we brought Kimba in the first week and in a couple more weeks, we adopted a second cat from the shelter I work at. This one is Urqwin (of course the Q is silent). Urqwin is a tortoiseshell calico, and quite the character.
I had mentioned that a third cat could be fun, but I really don’t want to upset the resident kitties. It's been 2 years now, and I am nervous that a third cat now would really wreck havoc on the balance we have with his cat and my cat. Since I work at a shelter, I had to put some limitations on myself. It has to be all black, with green eyes and a great personality. That keeps me from bringing home a new cat each week. I don’t really say anything else about it until I see a kitty that is close to meeting those criteria. Well HHBL has said it is my decision whether to bring a 3rd cat home, but he keeps bringing up how much fun a new cat would be.
I can see why people keep having kids.
I love cats, more than anyone should. I love their independence and their personalities that are more like snobbery than anything. I love how soft they are, I love that Urqwin will always curl up at my feet when I fall asleep, always on the window side no matter which way I am turned. She used to lie across my face when we first brought her home. She also used to curl up on top of us when we spooned. Kimba was a very cool cat right from the get go. He was the perfect first cat for HHBL. That is definitely his cat. He will seek out wherever HHBL is and make sure he is there too. He also has this really cool meow that is very wise and soulful.
Can’t even express how much I love my cats. I am a little afraid that this is displaced maternal adoration as I don’t have nor will I have children.
Doesn’t matter, LOVE THEM!
So, in talking with our friends about this, we found out that one of them was looking to rehome their year old white cat named Kimba. I knew Kimba and loved this very cool cat and agreed immediately to adopt. So, we brought Kimba in the first week and in a couple more weeks, we adopted a second cat from the shelter I work at. This one is Urqwin (of course the Q is silent). Urqwin is a tortoiseshell calico, and quite the character.
I had mentioned that a third cat could be fun, but I really don’t want to upset the resident kitties. It's been 2 years now, and I am nervous that a third cat now would really wreck havoc on the balance we have with his cat and my cat. Since I work at a shelter, I had to put some limitations on myself. It has to be all black, with green eyes and a great personality. That keeps me from bringing home a new cat each week. I don’t really say anything else about it until I see a kitty that is close to meeting those criteria. Well HHBL has said it is my decision whether to bring a 3rd cat home, but he keeps bringing up how much fun a new cat would be.
I can see why people keep having kids.
I love cats, more than anyone should. I love their independence and their personalities that are more like snobbery than anything. I love how soft they are, I love that Urqwin will always curl up at my feet when I fall asleep, always on the window side no matter which way I am turned. She used to lie across my face when we first brought her home. She also used to curl up on top of us when we spooned. Kimba was a very cool cat right from the get go. He was the perfect first cat for HHBL. That is definitely his cat. He will seek out wherever HHBL is and make sure he is there too. He also has this really cool meow that is very wise and soulful.
Can’t even express how much I love my cats. I am a little afraid that this is displaced maternal adoration as I don’t have nor will I have children.
Doesn’t matter, LOVE THEM!
Friday, June 02, 2006
"Is it just me, or..."
This rhetorical question is one of my biggest pet peeves*. Right up there with "irregardless" and "aluminium".
You know what? Whatever you are thinking/feeling/wondering is probably because of your own specific life experiences, or upbringing or body chemistry. So yes, it is just you!
For some reason I can sit in this office completely comfortable in a sweater with a geek vest over it no matter what time of year it is. Sometimes when it’s really cold, I will wear a zip front fleece jacket but even in the summer, the AC is usually enough that I will always wear my geek vest. I get to listen to everyone asking if it’s muggy, or too hot or whatever. They will notice if I wear a different pair of socks, but not the fact that I am always wearing a long sleeve shirt and geek vest.
So, I hate hearing the daily “is it just me or is it hot/cold in here?” GO OPEN THE DAMN DOOR AND DON’T LOOK FOR VALIDATION FROM ME! A lot of times I will say no, its rather cool, just to see if the offender will take their comfort into their own hands, others be damned. Most often, I get the illusion of thinking that my opinion is valued when the door stays closed and others suffer. I shouldn't notice these things, but I notice everything that people do and don't do and I didn't realize how much of it I catalog for later reference.
sigh...
I need a hobby
*pet peeve, n : an opportunity for complaint that is seldom missed; often with irrational passion
You know what? Whatever you are thinking/feeling/wondering is probably because of your own specific life experiences, or upbringing or body chemistry. So yes, it is just you!
For some reason I can sit in this office completely comfortable in a sweater with a geek vest over it no matter what time of year it is. Sometimes when it’s really cold, I will wear a zip front fleece jacket but even in the summer, the AC is usually enough that I will always wear my geek vest. I get to listen to everyone asking if it’s muggy, or too hot or whatever. They will notice if I wear a different pair of socks, but not the fact that I am always wearing a long sleeve shirt and geek vest.
So, I hate hearing the daily “is it just me or is it hot/cold in here?” GO OPEN THE DAMN DOOR AND DON’T LOOK FOR VALIDATION FROM ME! A lot of times I will say no, its rather cool, just to see if the offender will take their comfort into their own hands, others be damned. Most often, I get the illusion of thinking that my opinion is valued when the door stays closed and others suffer. I shouldn't notice these things, but I notice everything that people do and don't do and I didn't realize how much of it I catalog for later reference.
sigh...
I need a hobby
*pet peeve, n : an opportunity for complaint that is seldom missed; often with irrational passion
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
Just when you thought it was safe to go back to the mall
When was the last time you were in the mall? When was the last time you tried to get to your favorite store through the gauntlet of teenagers? You know, if I was older, I would probably be mad at all these directionless children with nothing better to do than be in my way. I just turned 36. All I think about when I see the throngs of young people in my way* is wow, I really hope I wasn’t that way when I was younger, all the while knowing full well that I was.
More so than when I was a teenager (in the 80’s!), accessories seem to be the order of the day. Big sunglasses, purses covered in bling and charms for your cell phones. (?)
I am thinking real hard, and I guess I do remember those weird little buckle things that we used to pull our oversized tee shirts through at the hip. Then there was the need for multiple color socks and layers of polo shirts with the collars sticking up. Izod, LeTigre, designer jeans, off the shoulder shirts with the lacy bra strap showing. The Madonna look, pegged pants, Reebok high tops, permed hair, the mullet when it was cool, that incarnation of Goth.
I guess I am finally old enough to see my teen years as an embarrassment not only to myself, but even to my parents. Having no children of my own, I know they can never have their revenge. They tell me they are okay with this, but in some deep dark corner of their minds, they know that I am having the last laugh by not having any children. HAHAHA!
*yes, they are still in my way.
More so than when I was a teenager (in the 80’s!), accessories seem to be the order of the day. Big sunglasses, purses covered in bling and charms for your cell phones. (?)
I am thinking real hard, and I guess I do remember those weird little buckle things that we used to pull our oversized tee shirts through at the hip. Then there was the need for multiple color socks and layers of polo shirts with the collars sticking up. Izod, LeTigre, designer jeans, off the shoulder shirts with the lacy bra strap showing. The Madonna look, pegged pants, Reebok high tops, permed hair, the mullet when it was cool, that incarnation of Goth.
I guess I am finally old enough to see my teen years as an embarrassment not only to myself, but even to my parents. Having no children of my own, I know they can never have their revenge. They tell me they are okay with this, but in some deep dark corner of their minds, they know that I am having the last laugh by not having any children. HAHAHA!
*yes, they are still in my way.
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
Are you tired of all those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound good,
but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that really speaks to true friendship:
1. When you are sad, I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard /bitch who made you sad.
2. When you are blue, I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile, I will know you finally got laid and ask who it was.
4. When you are scared, I will tease you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried, I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and tell you to quit whining.
6. When you are confused, I will use little words so you understand.
7. When you are sick, I'll tell you to stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall, I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
9. When you cry I will call you a big baby and tell you to grow up and deal with it.
10. When you complain I'll tell you you're acting like a nag and tell you to shut up.
11. When you say something stupid I'll hit you over the head and walk the other way like I don't know you.
12. When you start babbling about stupid shit I'll start saying "blah blah blah" and change the subject.
13. When you call out of the blue to say hello I'll ask what is wrong with you and then hang up.
14. If you ask me to help you move I'll only carry the light things and if you complain I'll remind you that I'm not being paid.
15. If we drive anywhere together and you say anything about my driving I'll pull over and opend the side door and push you out.
This is my oath. I pledge it till the end. Why, you may ask; because you are my "friend". Send this to ten of your closest friends, then get depressed because you can only think of nine.
Remember: A good friend will help you move - - a really good friend will help you move a body. Let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel
but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that really speaks to true friendship:
1. When you are sad, I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard /bitch who made you sad.
2. When you are blue, I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile, I will know you finally got laid and ask who it was.
4. When you are scared, I will tease you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried, I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and tell you to quit whining.
6. When you are confused, I will use little words so you understand.
7. When you are sick, I'll tell you to stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall, I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
9. When you cry I will call you a big baby and tell you to grow up and deal with it.
10. When you complain I'll tell you you're acting like a nag and tell you to shut up.
11. When you say something stupid I'll hit you over the head and walk the other way like I don't know you.
12. When you start babbling about stupid shit I'll start saying "blah blah blah" and change the subject.
13. When you call out of the blue to say hello I'll ask what is wrong with you and then hang up.
14. If you ask me to help you move I'll only carry the light things and if you complain I'll remind you that I'm not being paid.
15. If we drive anywhere together and you say anything about my driving I'll pull over and opend the side door and push you out.
This is my oath. I pledge it till the end. Why, you may ask; because you are my "friend". Send this to ten of your closest friends, then get depressed because you can only think of nine.
Remember: A good friend will help you move - - a really good friend will help you move a body. Let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
40 ways to tell if you are a product of the 80's
1. You've ever ended a sentence with the word "SIKE."
2. You can sing the rap to the "Fresh Prince of Bel Air" and can do the Carlton?
3. Girls wore bike shorts under their skirts and felt stylishly sexy.
4. Two word: Hammer Pants.
5. You wore a ponytail on the side of your head.
6. You made your mom buy one of those clips that would hold your
shirt in a knot on the side.
7. You wore stone washed Jordache jean jackets and were proud of it.
8. L.A. Gear.....need I say more?
9. You remember reading "Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing" and all the
Ramona Quimby books.
10. You know the profound meaning of "WAXON, WAX OFF."
11. You ever wore fluorescent clothing. (Some of us...head-to-toe).
12. You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose
fell off and his cheeks shifted.
13. You still get the urge to say "NOT" after every sentence.
14. You ever owned a pair of Jelly-Shoes(and probably in neon colors,
too)
15. After you saw "Pee-wee's Big Adventure "you kept saying "I know
you are, but what am i?
16. You remember "I've fallen and I can;t get up."
17. You remember going to the skating rink before there were inline
skates.
18. You ever got seriously injured on a Slip and Slide.
19. You have played with a Skip-It.
20. You had or attended a birthday party at McDonalds.
21. You've gone through this nodding your head in agreement.
22. "Don't worry, be happy."
23. You wore, like, EIGHT pairs of socks over tights with high top
Reeboks.
24. You wore socks scrunched down (and sometimes still do).
25. You remember boom boxes.
26. You remember Alf, the li'l furry brown alien from Melmac.
27. You remember New Kids of the Block when they were cool.
28. You know all the words to Bon Jovi's "SHOT THROUGH THE HEART."
29. (You just sang those words to yourself.)
30. You remember watching Magic vs. Bird. Oh yeah.........it will
never be that good again.
31. Homemade Levi shorts....(The shorter the better.)
32. You remember when mullets were cool!
33. You had a mullet!
34. You still sing "We are the World."
35. You tight rolled your jeans.
36. You owned a banana clip.
37. You remember "Where's the Beef?
38. You used to (and probably still do) say "What you talkin' 'bout
Willis?"
39. You had big hair and you knew how to use it.
40. You wanted to be a "Goonie"
2. You can sing the rap to the "Fresh Prince of Bel Air" and can do the Carlton?
3. Girls wore bike shorts under their skirts and felt stylishly sexy.
4. Two word: Hammer Pants.
5. You wore a ponytail on the side of your head.
6. You made your mom buy one of those clips that would hold your
shirt in a knot on the side.
7. You wore stone washed Jordache jean jackets and were proud of it.
8. L.A. Gear.....need I say more?
9. You remember reading "Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing" and all the
Ramona Quimby books.
10. You know the profound meaning of "WAXON, WAX OFF."
11. You ever wore fluorescent clothing. (Some of us...head-to-toe).
12. You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose
fell off and his cheeks shifted.
13. You still get the urge to say "NOT" after every sentence.
14. You ever owned a pair of Jelly-Shoes(and probably in neon colors,
too)
15. After you saw "Pee-wee's Big Adventure "you kept saying "I know
you are, but what am i?
16. You remember "I've fallen and I can;t get up."
17. You remember going to the skating rink before there were inline
skates.
18. You ever got seriously injured on a Slip and Slide.
19. You have played with a Skip-It.
20. You had or attended a birthday party at McDonalds.
21. You've gone through this nodding your head in agreement.
22. "Don't worry, be happy."
23. You wore, like, EIGHT pairs of socks over tights with high top
Reeboks.
24. You wore socks scrunched down (and sometimes still do).
25. You remember boom boxes.
26. You remember Alf, the li'l furry brown alien from Melmac.
27. You remember New Kids of the Block when they were cool.
28. You know all the words to Bon Jovi's "SHOT THROUGH THE HEART."
29. (You just sang those words to yourself.)
30. You remember watching Magic vs. Bird. Oh yeah.........it will
never be that good again.
31. Homemade Levi shorts....(The shorter the better.)
32. You remember when mullets were cool!
33. You had a mullet!
34. You still sing "We are the World."
35. You tight rolled your jeans.
36. You owned a banana clip.
37. You remember "Where's the Beef?
38. You used to (and probably still do) say "What you talkin' 'bout
Willis?"
39. You had big hair and you knew how to use it.
40. You wanted to be a "Goonie"
Monday, April 17, 2006
My first adventure in backpacking (hijinx ensues)
I have a friend JA who has literally camped and backpacked all over the world. She is by far the most worldly person I know. She is multilingual and an expert at placement and construction of outhouses*. *She know's I am talking about her now.
Being so experienced, I had no reason not to trust her completely. I own hiking boots, sleeping bag and pad. She had everything else. She even thought ahead with this being april and weather being unpredictable at best, she wanted to stay low in altitude to avoid the possibility of snow. So with the forecast being 2000 foot snow level we stayed below 1800.
This did not stop us from waking up in the snow. Heavy snow. Lot's of it.
I don't do well in the snow. I don't like driving in it, I don't like being around other people in the snow*. *Long story for another entry.
So, JA being considerate of my snow issues, we headed back out of the Olympic National Forest for lower ground. More specifically her parents house about 30 minutes away. We cooked breakfast and sat and looked over the water and thought about what it was going to be like once we finally got to go hiking. She got some tips and we took off to a small park nearby and on the water. We hiked around there and found what might be the next adventure of our whole group of friends in car camping.
While we were out there we concocted the story of fighting off a bear with our purses for those who want to ask us how our hiking trip went. All I have to say is thank goodness we carry zip ties in our purses. (Don’t ask) She had told me at the beginning that my only job was to tell her when I wasn’t having fun anymore and we would head straight back to the car and get dry, warm and fed. Well, after hiking around this park for a couple hours in the rain, I realized that I really wasn’t prepared for the rain and decided it was time to get dry and that my hot tub was calling our names.
Great weekend, we spent about 40 minutes in the tub getting warm, then got food and movies and spent the rest of the afternoon watching movies and hanging out. It couldn’t have been much better.
I am very lucky with the friends I have. They are as flexible as I am. I try new things with them and they come hang with me and do nothing. Nothing is good sometimes.
Being so experienced, I had no reason not to trust her completely. I own hiking boots, sleeping bag and pad. She had everything else. She even thought ahead with this being april and weather being unpredictable at best, she wanted to stay low in altitude to avoid the possibility of snow. So with the forecast being 2000 foot snow level we stayed below 1800.
This did not stop us from waking up in the snow. Heavy snow. Lot's of it.
I don't do well in the snow. I don't like driving in it, I don't like being around other people in the snow*. *Long story for another entry.
So, JA being considerate of my snow issues, we headed back out of the Olympic National Forest for lower ground. More specifically her parents house about 30 minutes away. We cooked breakfast and sat and looked over the water and thought about what it was going to be like once we finally got to go hiking. She got some tips and we took off to a small park nearby and on the water. We hiked around there and found what might be the next adventure of our whole group of friends in car camping.
While we were out there we concocted the story of fighting off a bear with our purses for those who want to ask us how our hiking trip went. All I have to say is thank goodness we carry zip ties in our purses. (Don’t ask) She had told me at the beginning that my only job was to tell her when I wasn’t having fun anymore and we would head straight back to the car and get dry, warm and fed. Well, after hiking around this park for a couple hours in the rain, I realized that I really wasn’t prepared for the rain and decided it was time to get dry and that my hot tub was calling our names.
Great weekend, we spent about 40 minutes in the tub getting warm, then got food and movies and spent the rest of the afternoon watching movies and hanging out. It couldn’t have been much better.
I am very lucky with the friends I have. They are as flexible as I am. I try new things with them and they come hang with me and do nothing. Nothing is good sometimes.
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
Another one I have to share...
N.W. Washington Barbies are FINALLY Available!!!!
Seattle Barbie: This modern day homemaker Barbie is available with a Mercedes 4WD SUV, a Prada handbag and matching Nike Yoga ensemble. She has a masters degree and double-majored, but has the luxury of being a stay-at-home mom with Kens generous salary. Comes with Percocet prescription and Botox. Starbucks mug and traffic-jamming Blackberry internet/cell phone device sold separately. Husband Ken is into fishing, golfing, baseball and is often working late. Available at all Seattle-area Starbucks retailers.
Bellevue Barbie: This princess Barbie is only sold at Nordstrom. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, your choice of a BMW convertible or Hummer H2 and a longhaired foreign lapdog named Honey. Also available is her cookie-cutter development dream house. Available with or without tummy tuck, facelift, and breast augmentation. Workaholic, cheating husband, Ken, comes with a Porsche.
Tacoma Barbie: This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, switchblade, '78 El Camino with dark tinted windows, and a meth lab kit. This model is available only after dark and can only be purchased with cash - preferably small bills, unless you're a cop, then we don't know what you're talking about. Boyfriend Ken is in jail. Available at many pawn shops.
Everett Barbie: This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie comes with a pair of high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer Gut Ken out of Monroe Barbie's trailer. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, strawberry lip gloss and a see-through halter top. Purchase her Mustang convertible separately and get a
Confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free. Boyfriend Ken is in treatment. Available at Army Navy Surplus.
Monroe Barbie: This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans 2 sizes too small, steel-toed cowboy boots, a classic Metallica 'T' shirt and a Tweedy Bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has fake fingernails, a six pack of Budweiser, and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over a distance of 6 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's donkey when she is drunk. Also available is the gold-toned cubic zirconium ring that Ken gave her after another one of his episodes with his boss's daughter. Comes with Barbie's Dream Double Wide Trailer. Available at Wal-Mart.
Sultan Barbie: Pregnant at purchase, this Barbie comes with a stroller and bus pass. Also included is a G.E.D. and a completely filled out PFD form. Construction worker Ken and his '82 Caddy are optional. Available at Value Village.
Vashon Island Barbie: This Barbie is made out of recycled plastic and tofu. She has long straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no make-up, and Birkenstocks with white socks. She does not want, or need, a Ken doll. If you purchase the optional Subaru wagon, you will receive a free rainbow flag sticker. Available at REI.
Seattle Barbie: This modern day homemaker Barbie is available with a Mercedes 4WD SUV, a Prada handbag and matching Nike Yoga ensemble. She has a masters degree and double-majored, but has the luxury of being a stay-at-home mom with Kens generous salary. Comes with Percocet prescription and Botox. Starbucks mug and traffic-jamming Blackberry internet/cell phone device sold separately. Husband Ken is into fishing, golfing, baseball and is often working late. Available at all Seattle-area Starbucks retailers.
Bellevue Barbie: This princess Barbie is only sold at Nordstrom. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, your choice of a BMW convertible or Hummer H2 and a longhaired foreign lapdog named Honey. Also available is her cookie-cutter development dream house. Available with or without tummy tuck, facelift, and breast augmentation. Workaholic, cheating husband, Ken, comes with a Porsche.
Tacoma Barbie: This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, switchblade, '78 El Camino with dark tinted windows, and a meth lab kit. This model is available only after dark and can only be purchased with cash - preferably small bills, unless you're a cop, then we don't know what you're talking about. Boyfriend Ken is in jail. Available at many pawn shops.
Everett Barbie: This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie comes with a pair of high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer Gut Ken out of Monroe Barbie's trailer. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, strawberry lip gloss and a see-through halter top. Purchase her Mustang convertible separately and get a
Confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free. Boyfriend Ken is in treatment. Available at Army Navy Surplus.
Monroe Barbie: This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans 2 sizes too small, steel-toed cowboy boots, a classic Metallica 'T' shirt and a Tweedy Bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has fake fingernails, a six pack of Budweiser, and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over a distance of 6 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's donkey when she is drunk. Also available is the gold-toned cubic zirconium ring that Ken gave her after another one of his episodes with his boss's daughter. Comes with Barbie's Dream Double Wide Trailer. Available at Wal-Mart.
Sultan Barbie: Pregnant at purchase, this Barbie comes with a stroller and bus pass. Also included is a G.E.D. and a completely filled out PFD form. Construction worker Ken and his '82 Caddy are optional. Available at Value Village.
Vashon Island Barbie: This Barbie is made out of recycled plastic and tofu. She has long straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no make-up, and Birkenstocks with white socks. She does not want, or need, a Ken doll. If you purchase the optional Subaru wagon, you will receive a free rainbow flag sticker. Available at REI.
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
What did I do last night?
Til 11:15?
wanna know?
I know you do....
So... HHBL and I were on our backs for 3 hours and neither one of us got off.
We replaced the fuel pump on my truck!
I know! HOT!
My poor truck with 167K on it finally bit the big one with the fuel pump going out, it has been on it's last legs for a couple weeks, but it was the kind of symptom that I didn't recognize until the AAA tow truck driver said "Hey, That's your fuel pump I had to change my 3 weeks ago, but mine had only 90k on it."
So, if you vehicle dies while in motion and then starts running again without much prompting from you. Most likely that's what it is. It won't throw a SES light because it's not computerized. And just FYI, its something that should have been changed at 90K when I took my truck in for servicing.
Never a dull moment.
Oh! and if it starts doing that symptom, the last thing you want to do is fill the tank, keep just enough gas in it to get you around on the short term until you can get it fixed. It is installed on the top of the gas tank so you have to drop (in my case) a 150 pound 3/4 full gas tank and work up under the vehicle. If it was empty, we could have removed it completely and worked in the garage.
Thank god it didn't rain last night.
Now, you tell me a story!
wanna know?
I know you do....
So... HHBL and I were on our backs for 3 hours and neither one of us got off.
We replaced the fuel pump on my truck!
I know! HOT!
My poor truck with 167K on it finally bit the big one with the fuel pump going out, it has been on it's last legs for a couple weeks, but it was the kind of symptom that I didn't recognize until the AAA tow truck driver said "Hey, That's your fuel pump I had to change my 3 weeks ago, but mine had only 90k on it."
So, if you vehicle dies while in motion and then starts running again without much prompting from you. Most likely that's what it is. It won't throw a SES light because it's not computerized. And just FYI, its something that should have been changed at 90K when I took my truck in for servicing.
Never a dull moment.
Oh! and if it starts doing that symptom, the last thing you want to do is fill the tank, keep just enough gas in it to get you around on the short term until you can get it fixed. It is installed on the top of the gas tank so you have to drop (in my case) a 150 pound 3/4 full gas tank and work up under the vehicle. If it was empty, we could have removed it completely and worked in the garage.
Thank god it didn't rain last night.
Now, you tell me a story!
Monday, March 27, 2006
Partying as a 30something...
In case I haven't told you, I am going to be 36 this year. But I can still party like my 19 year old friend at work. I hear her stories and all I can think is wow, I am almost twice her age, but I still have it!
Then I remember the last time I stayed out too late, I wasn't at a bar, I wasn't at a concert. I was at a friends house having just stayed up really late drinking beer and watching a movie or 3.
Oh yeah! I am still a rockstar!
sigh...
I am going to be passing my 4th dog next month.
I was born in the year of the dog,
get there faster...
:)!
Then I remember the last time I stayed out too late, I wasn't at a bar, I wasn't at a concert. I was at a friends house having just stayed up really late drinking beer and watching a movie or 3.
Oh yeah! I am still a rockstar!
sigh...
I am going to be passing my 4th dog next month.
I was born in the year of the dog,
get there faster...
:)!
Friday, March 24, 2006
Sometimes I really love email forwards:
Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES."
You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.
And furthermore ....
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."
3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."
7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED"
8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."
9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."
11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."
12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."
6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."
7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."
9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."
10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."
11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE
You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.
And furthermore ....
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."
3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."
7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED"
8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."
9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."
11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."
12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."
6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."
7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."
9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."
10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."
11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE
Thursday, February 09, 2006
Has this ever happened to you?
Okay, so I got dressed this morning and since I was wearing khakis with no pockets on the back, I put on my silkiest thong, you know, to show off the tushie. Well, as I am walking around, up and down stairs, around the office, I kept feeling a pinching of the soft skin and hairs - there.
A quick trip to the bathroom shows me that in 3 places, the elastic is popping out of the hem and it doesn't look good for the long run. I decide to ride it out for the day. So I am going about my morning and get up one time to get stuff off the printer when it happens. I almost screamed out loud. I change directions and head straight for the bathroom and all I can figure from the evidence at hand is one of the short hairs got tangled around the elastic and yanked out when I got up.
My thong is in the garbage and I am running commando today. Who was the misogynistic bastard that designed those damn things?!?!?! I will run him down if I ever see him. Of course it's a him!
blahahahahaha
anyone want to ask me how my day is going?
A quick trip to the bathroom shows me that in 3 places, the elastic is popping out of the hem and it doesn't look good for the long run. I decide to ride it out for the day. So I am going about my morning and get up one time to get stuff off the printer when it happens. I almost screamed out loud. I change directions and head straight for the bathroom and all I can figure from the evidence at hand is one of the short hairs got tangled around the elastic and yanked out when I got up.
My thong is in the garbage and I am running commando today. Who was the misogynistic bastard that designed those damn things?!?!?! I will run him down if I ever see him. Of course it's a him!
blahahahahaha
anyone want to ask me how my day is going?
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
What kind of sports car are you..
I'm a Chevrolet Corvette!
You're a classic - powerful, athletic, and competitive. You're all about winning the race and getting the job done. While you have a practical everyday side, you get wild when anyone pushes your pedal. You hate to lose, but you hardly ever do.
Take the Which Sports Car Are You? quiz.
Thursday, January 26, 2006
Showers and Parties, yeah right. I never once got wet.
Okay, just so you know I am not going to attend another babyshower, another bridal shower, another wedding I just won't. They just remind me that I will never have any of them. I have a birthday once a year, but I don't get the extra stuff. Where is the single-girl-who-never-wants-children-and-won't-get-married shower?
While I am at it, I am going to do my best to not go to another "Party" where I am expected to buy something. You know like a Candle Party, Scrapbook Party, Jewelry party.
I just can't go to another one.
can't do it.
won't do it,
okay probably will, but just not anytime soon.
sigh
weeeeeeeee
this is my world.
yeup, all about me, it's my blog, deal.
While I am at it, I am going to do my best to not go to another "Party" where I am expected to buy something. You know like a Candle Party, Scrapbook Party, Jewelry party.
I just can't go to another one.
can't do it.
won't do it,
okay probably will, but just not anytime soon.
sigh
weeeeeeeee
this is my world.
yeup, all about me, it's my blog, deal.
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
The gym, beer and other tests
As millions of Americans do this time of year, I am back in the gym. I started at the gym in September, and got out of the habit over the holidays with guests and whatnot. I am back, and I’m considering going every day until I have a physical reaction to not going. That’s when I know it is really a part of who I am. Exercise and eating right need to be part of who I am if I am ever to make my goals of health, weight management and comfort in my own skin.
I have spent the last couple weeks trying to get back on weight watchers type plan. It’s really not easy. The funniest part is its really not that difficult either. I just have to decide that is my world and make it happen. For me its beer, that is my downfall. I love beer, I like to have one when I get home from work, I like to have a couple on date night on Thursday’s, and I especially like to have one when at a friends house being social which is a big part of my world.
Beer.
You are my nemesis for this process of losing weight, getting healthy and exercising. Would I like to drink beer instead of work out? You betcha! Would I rather eat nachos with my beer? Absolutely! Do I want to have a great microbrew with my friends instead of fitting into a size 4? No question. Beer, the love hate relationship.
I have spent the last couple weeks trying to get back on weight watchers type plan. It’s really not easy. The funniest part is its really not that difficult either. I just have to decide that is my world and make it happen. For me its beer, that is my downfall. I love beer, I like to have one when I get home from work, I like to have a couple on date night on Thursday’s, and I especially like to have one when at a friends house being social which is a big part of my world.
Beer.
You are my nemesis for this process of losing weight, getting healthy and exercising. Would I like to drink beer instead of work out? You betcha! Would I rather eat nachos with my beer? Absolutely! Do I want to have a great microbrew with my friends instead of fitting into a size 4? No question. Beer, the love hate relationship.
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